The 16 days of action campaign team have been supported by real survivors of domestic abuse from within Defence to help spread awareness that this is something that affects our people, and to champion their voices in sharing their experiences so that people can understand through this first-hand insight.  This story focuses on one individuals journey ‘from victim to survivor’ and describes how they have begun to find their strength again.

From Victim to Survivor

It took ten years for me to realise that I was a victim of domestic abuse. Things then got worse before they got better. For a while I thought that was it; that I would exist but not live and certainly never thrive again. I had lost my identity and grieved the twenty-something girl that had relished life, seized every opportunity and looked forward to fulfilling a life of realised hopes, dreams and success. My victim story is one that I am now ready to share, but that is for another day. I also have a survivor story and that is something to celebrate.

As other brave survivors have shared, over the 16 Day campaign, being a victim of domestic abuse can bring stigma, it can mean you are not understood and that limiting assumptions are made about you. However, it is important that when raising awareness about domestic abuse this includes the whole story which is one of survival, resilience and restoration. I love this quote from another survivor, ‘when you lose something, you gain something.’

At the point any victim of domestic abuse recognises that they are a victim and dares to do something about it, they bravely take on a whole new level of challenge head on. Escaping an abuser is tough; it takes grit and determination beyond what many people could ever realise. It can be a long, very lonely and even more abusive road without any clear ending in sight. If there is a requirement to involve the courts to address financial or child matters then it is also financially crippling. The resilience, empathy and depth of character that a survivor develops is not to be underestimated. The multi-faceted life that they have to juggle alongside the daily requirements of work and ‘normal’ household demands means that they have to be some of the most resourceful and organised people you will ever meet. On the days when they may not appear to be at the front or even in the middle of the pack, they are very likely single-handedly juggling more than many others would even think possible and they just get on with it.

For a while I did let being a victim define me and yes, this did affect how I projected myself and made negative assumptions about how others perceived me. However, I now realise that I have transformed as a person to be a better version of that twenty-something girl. I also have a life experience that I would never have chosen but which makes me part of a very special group of people. I found a survivor network through a charity called Restored that connected me with other women like me and this really has helped to ‘restore’ me, whilst on a personal level my faith has played a vital part in this. Sharing stories with other survivors allows you to stop and reflect on just how far you and they have (all) come. I never cease to be humbled and in awe of the survivors who I have the privilege of exchanging confidences with. I have also been able to turn my experience into something positive by becoming a volunteer supporting other survivors.

My final chapter to freedom is not quite finished, but it is just round the corner and not holding me back from enjoying living a fulfilling and rewarding life at home and at work, as a professional single mum with two amazing and inspiring daughters.

I can’t write ‘The End’ just yet, but I don’t need to wait for that to celebrate the survivor in me.