The 16 days of action campaign team have been supported by real survivors of domestic abuse from within Defence to help spread awareness that this is something that affects our people, and to champion their voices in sharing their experiences so that people can understand through this first-hand insight. This story focuses on the issues that may occur post-separation and shines a light on the complexities that being a parent, together with an abusive partner, can add to an already complex situation
An abusive relationship is complex and develops over time. It can be a difficult and long process for a victim/survivor to begin to understand that they are in an abusive relationship and to consider seeking help. In the scenario described below the perpetrator uses physical abuse as well as controlling behaviour to isolate the victim/survivor from friends and family and to make it difficult for her to fulfil her work commitments.
Whilst all elements in this scenario are based on real events this is not an actual case study.
Background
Service user (SU) was a serving member of the Armed Forces and was married to a former serving member of the Armed Forces (former SP) whom she met whilst they were serving together. Former SP had left in order to get married and not be in the forces after serving 22 years and was struggling with the adjustment to civilian life and being the “Camp Follower” to his wife. He had secured a job as a civil servant but was not happy in the role he was employed in. The couple had two children aged eight and six and SU was struggling to sustain her operational capability due to her husband telling her that he would not babysit their children while she went away.
Former SP did not get on with SU’s family and would make an issue about spending time with them, making it difficult for her to arrange to visit or for them to help with childcare. He was also mistrusting of her colleague relationships and was constantly accusing her of having affairs with them. This led to her not socialising with her colleagues and being ostracised from the team.
Over the years, there had been physical abuse which was explained as trying to calm the SU down. This included a broken rib, caused by the former SP hugging the SU too tight in order to “calm her down”. The police had been called several times, but each time had put it down to a domestic and the SU had not pressed charges, so the calls did not go anywhere. As the children were in the house each time, a referral was made to Children’s services but due to it not meeting threshold, no further action was taken.
SU was offered support along the way but felt that there was a sense of embarrassment about people knowing her business and felt that she should be able to sort out the situation herself. She was operating as a de facto single parent as she learnt as soon as she had children that she could not rely on her husband to co-parent with her.
Eventually, after several years of abuse and coercive control, there was a call to the police which ended in the former SP being arrested and spending the night in a cell. He was advised not to return home and the police said that they had enough evidence to press charges even if the SU withdrew charges. At this time, the SU engaged with welfare services and the turning point for her was when her worker asked her if she could imagine a life on her own after this was all finished. This made the SU realise that she was having every aspect of her life controlled by her husband and there had to be a better life ahead for her, despite the difficult situation she currently found herself in.
The case went to court and the SU was afforded screens in the court in order that she did not have to see her husband. Initially he pleaded not guilty but once the case started and the SU attended the court to give evidence, the former SP changed his plea to guilty and he received a suspended sentence for two years. He was also directed to attend a DA perpetrators course in the local area to address his behaviour.
